STAR
WARS FOR DUMMIES:
Not All It's Cracked Up To Be
Review by Rob Cashman
5/5/99
"Star Wars For Dummies"
Cracked Collector's Edition #119
Globe Communications Corp
The cover is yellow, and Darth Maul has decided to slice
the magazine in half. That sums up the feeling in my gut after reading this issue.
The content wasn't solely devoted to Star Wars though, the back page is a scene
from a Star Trek Convention; the inside of the front cover was a depiction of eleven
"'Spaced Out Star Trek Spin-offs"; on top of those, there was 3 pages of other
Star Trek humor (Ask Worf and a Vulcan knock-knock joke, for example); oh, and there was
also a load of other hilarious material. The cover is marked a Collectors Issue, so
I assume it's reprinting old material, though I don't regularly read the magazine.
The Star Wars content consisted of three comic spoofs (even special editions) of the Holy
Trilogy, and a magazine stock 'pull-out' in the center. The editors recommend
removing the pullout with a lightsaber, however neither they, nor Echo Station can be
responsible for your clumsy use of the ancient weapon. Quite frankly, it's just as
funny left IN the magazine, and that's where I'll keep it for now.
Summing "Star Wars: A New Hope" in seven pages must be
challenging. The writers and artists did a very good job actually. The faces
look fairly accurate, not like the characters from Dark Horse's comics. Of course,
names have been changed to protect the innocent and copyright laws, though they're awfully
odd to read; RD2, Grand Muff Tarplin, Princess Leotard, Bend Oakie
Finoakie, just to name the ones from the first two panels. The story moves fast,
skipping some scenes that I thought could be made humorous, but those would turn 7 pages
into a book of its own….
The gags… where would these mags be without the gags? CPO and RD2
wearing Laurel and Hardy hats ("Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten
us into." After landing in the escape pod). Hand Solow's true love for money
"If you've got the cash, we'll leave in a flash!" and later, when
discovering the princess aboard the Death Star, Hand's eyes become dollar signs. In the
battle of Yavin, the X-Wings approaching the Death Star go through their status calls
"Red 2 hanging on and ready."; "Red 5 hanging on and
ready."; "Red 7 hanging on and ready."; "Gosh! Look at the size
of that station!"; "Red 12 chickening out and leaving!"
Twenty-three pages of hilarious newsprint later, the entire reason for buying this
magazine appears. This is the Star Wars for Dummies Guide. First page is a spoof on some
recent Master Card commercials (if you guessed this was an ad for a JediMaster
Card, you'd be correct). "The look on her face after you've given her an Ewok fur
coat… priceless." Shortly following, is a four panel (per movie) summary
of the trilogy; in my opinion, there wasn't enough summary. The artwork was in color, a
nice change of pace for this type of magazine, and it almost looks like crayon.
They cover prequel rumors too. Three pages of realistic questions, though the
answers are off-the-wall. In reference to the existence of Ewoks in the prequels, the
Guide reports "True. But don't fret too much. Lucas learned his lesson and the Ewoks
only appear as the Stormtrooper's lunch. We are also supplied with a family tree that
depicts a possible lineage for many characters, though it's not entirely accurate, I don't
know HOW the Taco Bell dog could possibly be Yoda's parent….
Chapter 4 [Author's Note: my words, not theirs] is six pages of descriptions of the major
characters, partly accurate, and mostly hilarious, of course. The only good example,
without too much spoilage, is about Mace Windu; apparently, "Mace used to sport a
full head of hair until he came upon images of an earthling named Jordan on his NBA Jam
Gameboy cartridge."
Finally, are three single page pieces that take a good gag too far and keep going. First one was "ETIQUETTE RULES FOR WAITING ON LINE FOR A MONTH TO SEE THE FIRST SHOWING OF STAR WARS, EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE" (by the way if you're on line and someone who looks like Chewbacca comes by and wants to cut, let him). Second is a nice glossary of various Star Wars words… very well done. On the back page to the Guide, is an advertisement for "The JAWA Shack", with "The largest selection of new and used droids on Tatooine!". This was definitely exactly what we needed in the middle of the El Niņo hype storm that Lucas has created.
But wait! There are still two more movies from the original trilogy
to look at. Only a scant 1 page after the Dummies Guide, is "The Empire Strikes
Out". Another seven-page story, this spoof is just as odd as the first. Some names
have changed, to further protect the copyright, though the old ones were good enough, I
thought. Luck Skystalker has transformed to Fluke (last name never
mentioned); Bend Oakie Finoakie has become Bend Obi Finoakie; RD2 is
now R2D2; introducing, Yodel and Landau Corinthian.
There were some details that weren't right, one panel shows three snowspeeders, and the
dialog "Our X-wing lasers aren't making a dent on Badar's metal behemoths,
Fluke."
The gags in this one had many similar themes, many along the lines of the marketing the
Lucas had created around the films (toys is the main theme that the writer stresses here).
When Hands is trying to leave Echobase (when Leia tries to convince him that he's
needed and all) Leotard states "Without you guys, that's two less action
figure dolls we can sell in the stores." Another running gag that
is apparent is Obi Finoakie returning in each sequel "You know old Jeteyes
never die, Fluke." "Right. They just keep making guest
appearances in sequels." This is also the first time the spoofs mention
Jeteye.
Which makes little sense, because it's changed for the last installment of the trilogy,
"Returns of the Jed Eye". Returns is a whopping eight pages of pen and ink, but
oddly slow-moving for the first four, then it quickly moves on through the forest battle (Earwacks
and 100,000 stormtroopers, and the Earwacks STILL won) and the throne room scenes. Once
again, the writers play the name game. This time Fluke gets a last name, and it's
Skystalker again, but Dark Badar has turned to the Gate's side of the Force as Dark
Vapor! Bend Oakie Finoakie aka Bend Obi Finoakie now assumes the name Oakie One
Fanoakie. In addition, Chewie is fully named as Chewedup; Landau is now known
as Lando, and the Muppet Yodel becomes the dead Jed Eye Master Yoga.
I mentioned the odd pace
of the story, which spends three and one sixth pages dealing with Blubba the Hut.
Now, some believe the movie spent way too much time getting Han off Tatooine and back to
the Rebels, but a comic (one known for skipping good scenes) should have done better. I
didn't even understand the gag behind how Fluke dealt with the creature (lit a match and
set it on fire, gag being it was a rear view projection). The story then quickly
has two panels for the Emperor's arrival, then five for the backstory about Fluke's father
with Oakie One. After all the good renditions of the other characters, Yoga and the E
mperor looked out of place. Yoga looked nothing like Yodel and the Emperor just plainly
looked ugly, I think his nose was too big.
The toy gag keeps
running, because Yoga's death scene nets 150,000 Yoga doll sales, and when Fluke gets
lonely because he won't see the other heroes, he can go to any toy store and feel better.
But that's not all folks! The Great Pit of Carkoon isn't a monster, it's really a big pit
filled with Tums. The only thing worse than a Rancor, is 62 Girl Scouts surrounding you,
hawking their cookies. What really killed all the stormtroopers was, PIE!
What I haven't talked about is the special editions. Yes, even Cracked has thought of
those. Tacked onto the last page of each movie, is a page of lost footage. These scenes
are not nearly as funny or original as the rest of the spoofs (or other parts of the
magazine). Quite frankly, I don't think using Luke as a Tauntaun suppository was quite
what Lucas REALLY envisioned. The special edition of Returns of the Jed Eye does give a
possible answer to why Yoda was so bad in english, when he opens Luke's mind to the true
concepts of the Force through the use of 'herbs'. [Author's Note: Neither
Echostation, nor I, condone the use of 'herbs', though it would be funny to see Luke on
it… "But I was going to go to… that place over the uhh… never mind,
I'll just clean these droids."]
For three bucks of newsprint and ink, I spent a couple hours laughing, having lost a spleen or two and getting laryngitis from said laughter, I'd say this was a good read. With great artwork (mostly) a fairly strong plot to the spoofs, and the filler material (Star Trek stuff), the low points don't seem so bad. I'd like to see what they will do to the new movies, if they continue some of the ideas they introduced in the Dummies Guide.
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