Not on your life.

I have read every forbidden "scriptment," perused every stolen storyboard, downloaded every image and bootlegged bit of film I could find for the last two and a half years. Some of what I have seen has been removed at Lucasfilm's behest, but by golly I got to see it before it disappeared. The result is that I think I know about 80% of what I am going to see and hear in Episode II. There are plenty of people like me about, although few of them frequent Echo Station. We seem to be the haven for the "spoiler-free" crowd, which makes my job of prediction very tough. You see, there are seven things I absolutely, positively cannot tell you about Episode II. These are the things that Lucasfilm has forbidden its licensees  to mention. You can go here if you want to see what they are, and here or here if you want all the twists and cool secrets of the whole plot revealed to you. But don't blame me when you realize you've ruined it for yourself.

Of course, there are about a thousand other things I probably shouldn't tell you, either. I want these predictions to be spoiler-free. So, what can I say that will not reveal too much ...

• The movie will rock. I hate to get my hopes up like this, because I always end up being disappointed, but kill me now if I am not convinced that this is going to be a great movie. It sure has the potential. Just from what we saw in the trailers, it's obvious the film will be full of eye candy. The acting, from what we know of the principal cast, will be good. John Williams' music will be great as always. The only way it can go wrong is if the dialogue is too corny, or the CG action too fake. As for the first ... yes, Lucas writes bad dialogue. So what? We put up with it in Episodes IV-VI and even liked it, right? As for the latter ... with the cream of the crop at ILM working on this film, I am not too worried.
• What goes around comes around. Lucas likes to repeat things, like echoes that resonate throughout the series of films. We're going to see a lot of that in Episode II, events that will make us say, "Oh, that's almost exactly like what happened in A New Hope!" I predict the duller critics will accuse Lucas of running out of ideas and repeating himself. Those in the know will realize he did it deliberately, like a composer repeating a theme in a slightly altered key or on a different instrument.
• The love story will be corny. Remember the cornball stuff that went on between Han and Leia? ("Stop that, my hands are dirty.") Imagine that as a third of a movie, and that's about what you'll get with Episode II. George Lucas isn't the world's most adept writer of dialogue, but he did have Jonathan Hales revise his script, so perhaps the romance won't be too painful to watch.
• The space battles and chase scenes will be breathtaking. Unlike the podrace, which was great the first few times but now makes me yawn, I think every action sequence in this film will be endlessly riveting. The stakes are higher this time, which will make the scenes that much more interesting.
• The weapons, ships, vehicles, gizmos, and other stuff will be totally cool, but I still won't care. I never do. I am really only interested in the characters.
• We find out more about the Jedi, though not much. We still won't find out much about how the Jedi operate, although we will get a peek into a few areas of the Temple and see some Jedi doing things besides kicking tail. I predict I will be disappointed we don't have more of this.
• The bad guys .... Hmm. How can I say anything about the bad guys without giving it all away? Suffice it to say I don't imagine anyone with deductive reasoning powers will not figure out the twists by the last reel. I suppose it's not really giving anything away to say there is a new Sith apprentice. I truly believe he will put Darth Maul to shame, and I realize that is saying a whole lot. But there are more than just Sith to worry about in Episode II. There are myriads of enemies, some subtle, some blunt as a sledgehammer, and all of them out to thwart Our Heroes in nasty ways. It should be self evident that Darth Sidious really has two goals: 1) Take over the galaxy and 2) corrupt the Chosen One. I predict he goes a long way down both roads in Episode II. The question is, can Lucas make the political machinations and the seduction of Anakin Skywalker believable? I think he can. The trick is to help the audience care about all the political factions and their troubles -- which are very complicated in Episode II. In contrast, I believe Hayden Christensen will be able to take Anakin from an innocent, hopeful boy to a disillusioned delinquent on the edge of betrayal with no problem at all.
• The humor will actually be funny in Episode II. I cannot guarantee a complete lack of farts, poop, or spit, but I am crossing my fingers. If you have seen the trailers, you have already seen the kind of jovial camaraderie between Obi-Wan and Anakin that was so sorely missing from the characters in Episode I. Look for a lot of homages to other great moments in Star Wars. I am grinning just thinking about it.
• After all is said and done, the Jedi will still be the sexiest beings in the galaxy. Despite the loss of the luscious Liam Neeson, we still have the to-die-for Ewan McGregor (channeling Alec Guinness complete with swashbuckling-style locks and beard), and we also get newcomer Hayden Christensen who can pout like nobody's business. And let's not forget Samuel Jackson, who will get to do more than sit in a chair and look inscrutable this time around. You thought the lightsaber duels in Episode I were awesome? I predict the duels in Episode II will eclipse them totally. A tall order, but Nick Gillard is up to the job.

The bottom line: will Episode II be better than Episode I? No question, yes! Will it be better than the Holy Trilogy? Perhaps. It has the potential to be the best Star Wars film yet. I am crossing my fingers!

Reactions After Seeing The Film

Big time spoilers ahead.

When it's good, it's very, very good. When it's bad, it's appalling.

Luckily, almost everything about this movie is good, and the few bad moments are just that -- moments. I'd say 98% of the film is awesome. The only real downside is that there is not one single place in this movie to go take a pee without missing something you really want to see. I could list everything I liked about this movie, but it would be eight feet long, and you already have your own favorites, or soon will. I could list everything I thought was bad about this movie, but it's so highly subjective, I'll let you make your own judgements. I will be mentioning one or two egregiously bad things below, but for the most part, this movie makes me grin like a madwoman, and it only gets better on subsequent viewings.

I have to admit I wasn't impressed with the movie on first viewing. The whole midnight-showing experience almost paralleled the one for TPM, but worse. The focus in our theater was bad -- tremendously bad, to the point that we couldn't read the opening scrawl -- and was bad for at least 30 minutes before the projectionist got it fixed down to merely "slightly bad." The sound was off, too, although I didn't realize it until I saw the film the second time in a different theater. But it didn't matter, because I couldn't hear anything over the crowd shouting, "Focus! Focus!" at random intervals. I was in such a bad mood from this that even after the focus was "fixed" I couldn't shake off my anger at having the experience ruined. So, I came out of the film thinking, "Good, but not great." Now, after three viewings and 24 hours, I have upgraded it to "Terrific, but not perfect."

A lot of critics (and even a few fans) have ripped Attack of the Clones, but I disagree. They're like people who go to the store and buy a bag of apples, then get home and complain when they don't have oranges. It's Star Wars, for crying out loud. Don't go into the theater expecting My Dinner With Andre, Gone With the Wind, or Citizen Kane.

Anyway, let's take a look at what I predicted, and see how close I was.

• The movie will rock. I was right! The film was full of eye candy, the acting was good (with notable exceptions which I'll talk about below), and John Williams' music was great as always. I predicted, "The only way it can go wrong is if the dialogue is too corny, or the CG action too fake." The movie did have both those problems. The first did not surprise me, but the second did. More about that later as well.
• What goes around comes around. I'm sure there are more instances of this than I could catch, but the echoes and resonance built up among the movies of the trilogy is one of my favorite things about Star Wars. Let me just mention a few notable instances of this: Obi-Wan's lopping off somebody's arm in a cantina. The death of a parent/guardian becoming the turning point of a character's journey. Threepio saying, "It seems that he is carrying a message from an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Does that name mean anything to you?" Count Dooku saying, "Join me," and Obi-Wan replying, "I'll never join you." And did you notice the last image of the movie, where Anakin, Padme, Threepio, and Artoo are standing in almost the exact same pose as Luke, Leia, Threepio, and Artoo at the end of The Empire Strikes Back? Wonderful!
• The love story will be corny. I was wrong about this. The love story is actually quite angsty and good, if you can get past the execrable lines the actors are forced to try to make believable. If you could somehow stop your ears during the love story part and just look at the actor's faces and body language, this part would be fantastic. The setup has such potential -- star-crossed lovers trying valiantly to resist their love, only to give in when death seems inevitable. Unfortunately it was botched. The only saving grace is that these scenes are all very short, and intercut with interesting Obi-Wan-as-detective-cum-007 action and adventure.
• The space battles and chase scenes will be breathtaking. I was right. Enough said.
• The weapons, ships, vehicles, gizmos, and other stuff will be totally cool, but I still won't care. Wrong! I found myself noticing technology and saying, "Cool!" about a dozen times. Let me simply list all the things I can think of off the top of my head that were especially awesome: the Jedi Starfighter, the hyperspace docking ring, Mace Windu's lightsaber, Slave I and its arsenal (loved  the sonic charges), Yoda's floating chair, Cleigg's "wheelchair" (can't believe I thought it was cool, but there it is), Artoo's rockets, the star map projector, Dexter's waitress droid (did you know her nametag says "Flo" in Aurebesh?), Obi-Wan's tracking device, and just about every device shown in the final ground battle, especially those big rolling rocket launchers. Etcetera. Etcetera.
• We find out more about the Jedi. I was right. We did get a brief glimpse into the Temple, but I was right when I predicted I would be disappointed there wasn't more.
• The new Sith apprentice will put Darth Maul to shame. I was right. Hayden Christensen will be able to take Anakin from an innocent, hopeful boy to a disillusioned delinquent on the edge of betrayal with no problem at all. Another point for me. Although his delivery of certain lines in the love story arc was painful to watch, Hayden can pout, whine, sulk, and look evil better than my wildest dreams. When Padme cuts him down to size in front of Queen Jamillia, you can see him swallowing his pride. And when she breaks off their kiss, his pain and confusion is palpable. The look on his face when he decides to avenge his mother is chilling (although John Williams' music was too heavy handed at this point and ruined the effect slightly).
• The humor will actually be funny in Episode II. I was right. There was no stepping in poop, no farting, no spit flying, no slapstick, no belching ... the worst I can say is that Threepio's puns in the arena induced groans of pain, but since I laughed at them, I guess I can't complain. Obi-Wan's wisecracking steals the show. "What took you so long?" indeed!
• After all is said and done, the Jedi will still be the sexiest beings in the galaxy. I was right, although Count Dooku is looking mighty fine, too. Even the Jedi Mullet can't dim Obi-Wan's appeal ... not when he swaggers everywhere like he owns the galaxy. Most of the moments I loved best were about the Jedi: Yoda's little flourish as he calls his lightsaber to hand, Obi-Wan's impromptu "That's why I'm here," Mace Windu deflecting blaster bolts as he free-falls, Obi-Wan and Jango sizing each other up and the subtext of violence simmering just beneath the surface. I just can't get enough of those mind-tricking Jedi!

I'd like to make some additional comments about the film's two major flaws: bad dialogue and bad CGI.

Don't get me wrong. I expect bad dialogue in Star Wars movies. It's part of the charm. Sometimes the bad lines become cult favorites ("wretched hive of scum and villainy"). And sometimes they just stink ("I know. Somehow ... I've always known"). However, this movie has far and away more painful, cringeworthy lines than any Star Wars movie so far. I actually felt sorry for the actors. How many times did Ewan have to call Hayden "my young apprentice" or variations thereof? It got to the point that it was farcical. I started to notice every time somebody addressed somebody else in this way. Dooku to Obi-Wan: "my young Jedi." Threepio to Artoo: "my obtuse little friend." Now that I think about it, there was a lot of that in the other episodes, so I suppose it's part of the Star Wars "style." It was just overdone in this one. As for Hayden, I can't imagine how he must have hated to utter this drivel: "I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar." As Jar Jar would say: "Ye gads! What was Lucas thinking?"

Bad dialogue I expected. What I didn't expect was bad CGI. Okay, admittedly 99% of the CGI in this movie is beyond awesome. I didn't think anyone could make Kung-Fu-Yoda look good. So, kudos to ILM. But who did they assign the "riding the shaak in the meadow" sequence to, a third grader? In fact, any time a character rides a fast-moving animal in this film it looks like crap. That's just plain embarrassing, and I can't believe they didn't fix it, or delete it, or cover it up by having a droid roll by in the foreground.

A few random comments:

One last thought: I believe the theme of this film is the arrogance of the Jedi. Of course we have Anakin's arrogance. We also have the kind of hubris that makes Jocasta Nu tell Obi-Wan, "If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist." Yoda tells Obi-Wan and Mace that many Jedi, even the more experienced ones, have become arrogant -- a warning, it seems, to Obi-Wan himself, who is too quick to dismiss Anakin's nightmares with a patronizing, "Dreams pass in time."

Overall, this is a great addition to the Star Wars saga. I might even end up placing it right after The Empire Strikes Back in order from best to worst. Time will tell. I think I need to go see it again to make sure ...