Toys
for Big Boys
Submitted by George Hill
3/21/99
Let me tell you about me and my brothers... We are all fans of science fiction. We grew up
compairing everything in life to Star Wars. And of course the reality of life comes far
short of that galaxy far, far away. How many times have you thought to yourself,
"Damn, I wish I had a Light Saber!"
If ANYTHING out of the Star Wars universe could be real... I would want it to be a Light Saber.
A lot of guys would say "No way man! A Star Detroyer!" Okay, and say there are real Imperial Star Destroyers out and about. Do you think you could afford one? They would like, cost as much as CHINA, at least!
Droids? Heck, I can't even get a stupid Pentium III, let alone one that walks or rolls along behind me or at least could speak Bocce. Honda has made a robot that can really walk around, up and down stairs and what not. They can't afford to even let it out of the lobby, let alone let it wander around in a desert or forest unattended. I don't think it could pull off playing a god - or even tell an interesting story.
"What about Blasters?" Yeah right. The ATF would classify it as Class III right off the bat and only Swat Team members could handle them. Besides, I already have a couple good blasters - H&Ks. Granted they are in .40 caliber, but I think I could cap a Stormie's ass just fine with it. H&Ks are already expensive enough - 600 to 1300 dollars for a pistol - the subgun and rifle prices go up to 10,000. A DL-44 on the open market, I'd say it would rate in the range of 5 grand or higher.
A Light Saber wouldn't cost much at all. And if it did, you could download instructions off the internet on "How to make your own Light Saber" within a week.
"But what would you do with it?" you ask. Well, what would you NOT do with it? See, a Saber would have every day applications. Everybody should have one! Crime would drop instantly. Think about it. And Light Sabers never go dull. Remember the last time you carved a holiday turkey? Had to go sharpen that blade up didn't you? Need firewood, but don't want to make a day of chopping? Get the Saber out - done. Cutting torches? Saber. Dangling thread? Saber. Dark Lord of the Sith? Saber. Share a Snickers Bar? Saber. Stubborn AT-AT armour thats too strong for blasters? Saber.
Here is my prayer to the Gods of Technology: You gave us James Bond's pager and car phone, and look at the mess that has brought. Can't get away now from anyone. They can reach you even when your hiding in a traffic jam. Please, Oh Lord of Gadgets, make a Light Saber. I promise I won't cut myself with it. And I won't be spoiled with it either... won't ask for anything else, I promise.
Well, not until next Christmas. By then the Light
Saber novelty will wear off, and then I'll want one of those Speeder Bikes!
(George Hill, Jedi Knight. Age 29. Married
to a lovely young dancer. 4 boys under the age of 6 And was only able to bestow one of
them with a Star Wars name. Works in computers now after spending time in Military (Light
Infantry), Law Enforcement and Fugitive Recovery. Has the day of the Episode One opening
off from work. (Cause the Bosses wouldn't dare say no.)