Late
Night With Lando
Submitted by George Hill
5/1/99
I was wondering what happened to Lando right after ROTJ - I don't remember anything of it in the immediate aftermath... Whatever it was it couldn't have been good or Stackpole would have covered it. This is at least what I currently know...I haven't checked it out - frankly because that would ruin my train of thought.
Back to Lando... Here he is, he's lost his Bespin operation to the Empire, so he signs on as a General to kick the Imps in the sweets. He blows up a Death Star with the help of Wedge, and gains a little fame there, but enough to buy back Bespin, whose board of directors ousted him for telling every one to jump ship 15 minutes before all the Imps leave anyway. So what does he do with his little bag of fame?
Gets a late night talk show, that’s what!
Think of it – that’s what all of our hard luck celebs do, that and turning
activist on some cause we didn't give mouse’s sphincter about yesterday. Why
not Lando? At first I was thinking Boba Fett, but you can't be funny in a helmet.
No, I don't think he died in the sarlacc pit, he got puked back up right
after the Sail Barge blew. Why? Because he never took that armor off!
Face it, the boy was funky in there - and not in a good way. And if he DID take off
his helmet, nobody would know who the heck he was anyway. Although a show is not
unlikely, I doubt he got many offers for work after getting trounced by a guy freshly
thawed out of carbonite. Not to mention his "graceful as Hulk Hogan in Swan
Lake" header into the side of aforementioned sail barge. He needs a job.
Anyway, back to Lando...
The music plays a little too loud, and out skips Lando - red cape and all. Before I go any further, I'll point out that I like Lando. I think he is a cool character, but would make a lousy talk show host. What kind of program would he have? It wouldn't be too classy. The man is a scoundrel, but he is charming enough to pull off just about whatever he wanted. Kinda like Conan O'Brian. Over there on the side is the Band from Tatooine. He wanted Miss Snootles, but she was a little blown up at the time. So we have established the basic format, and music - since those aliens can only play what? Two songs?
But let’s think guests.
He makes a phone call... "Hey Buddy!" cheers Lando.
"No!" Wedge says.
"Hey man you owe me big! I saved your can in that Death Star AND at the Battle of Tanaab! Beside this would be the chance to tell people WHO YOU ARE! Right? I mean everyone, and I DO MEAN EVERY ONE, knows LUKE. But you survived BOTH Death Star Missions – You’re the best stick in the Galaxy!"
Wedge mumbles something under his breath that I can't repeat, "Okay... I'll do it."
"Great! Uh - hey can you swing by my place before the show and pick something up?"
"Sure Lando, what?"
"Ah, well... Me. I lost my space ship again..."
"Sabacc?"
"Yeah."
"Lando..."
"I know... I know... It wasn't my fault!"
"Eight o'clock?"
"No... 1:30 AM"
"LANDO!"
At the show. Lando has only one guest and Wedge gets less-than-interesting after he goes on a rave about the new model star fighters from Incom - how he could take the next Death Star without the Falcon swooping in, and that HE is THE GREATEST that ever WAS and EVER WILL BE! (Muhammad Ali reference there for you younger folks - watch A&E sometime.) So Lando goes by the old Late Night Standby of talking to the band... which doesn’t really work, because they are half stoned on some alien drug only they know about and are much too talkative. The bandleader comes walking over and wedges in between Lando and, ahem, Wedge. He starts talking about anything and everything. "Yeah, we, this OTHER time we went cruising out to another galaxy, like far, far away, right man... and we, like, get shot down by these shaved monkey dudes an a little town called Roswell, you know? Ever been there - to Earth? Well, you humans all look alike to me... anyways they, like, lock Xixle up you know! For 40 years in a place called Area 51, you know - so we have to hang out until they let him go, right? We get bored so we like, go out into the desert and draw something - or do doughnuts in some fields... practice with Xicklets magno disentegrator on some cows..."
Lando is looking unsure of this, and the alien just goes on.
"Earth is like THE PLACE for picking up chicks, man! No really - you just PICK THEM UP, you know... and they like don’t react - they go catatonic and never tell anyone else!"
Lando is looking very uncomfortable right about now. "Ah, you're saying you kidnapped women?"
"No, man, guys too! Hey, I just 'came out' on intergalactic holo TV!"
Wedge hangs his head.
"So you went to Earth and kidnapped people. Oh, great... This is getting worse all the time."
"No, man, I'm kidding, you know, I would never do that!"
Lando shakes his head "You’re lying to me - I can tell."
"What? Is my nose growing? HA! I don't have a nose! Oh, man... I kill me..."
Wedge says "If only... If only..." and gets up and leaves.
Lando signals for a commercial break. The show never airs again.
Hey, not ALL of Lando's ventures are winners. But at least he garners enough notoriety to draw a fat loan! He isn't seen for a few months - he makes a run to Earth for awhile, and comes back with a business partnership with Microsoft and thousands of "Tickle ME ELMO'S". This explains why the systems often need rebooting.
"No, look, Han - this WINDOWS program will make all your hardware in the Falcon work together - faster and easier!"
"Faster huh? Well, maybe..."
(George Hill, Jedi Knight. Age 29. Married
to a lovely young dancer. 4 boys under the age of 6 And was only able to bestow one of
them with a Star Wars name. Works in computers now after spending time in Military (Light
Infantry), Law Enforcement and Fugitive Recovery. Has the day of the Episode One opening
off from work. (Cause the Bosses wouldn't dare say no.)