On Using Darth Maul's Lightsaber
By The Ferrett
For my thirtieth birthday this weekend, I got a Darth Maul lightsaber. It didnt explode.
What it did do, however, was prove to be an awfully inadequate weapon. I put the batteries in and then hacked off my own leg. I twirled it and whacked the ceiling by mistake. I fought with my uncle, who leaned on his cane with one hand while brandishing his single-bladed "Luke Skywalker" saber with the other and with one leg and one blade, he beat the living crap out of me.
Disheartened, I put the toy saber back in the box. How could Darth Maul have been such a bad guy with this awkward thing? What kind of weapon was this?
As I collapsed the lightsaber and put it back in the box, a note fell out. A note from a long time ago . with a postmark from a galaxy far, far away...
Thanks muchly for allowing me to try out the prototype for your new DuelBlade 2000 doublebladed lightsaber. While the advanced technology you provide is certainly exciting, the design flaws involved cost me and my Master our revenge against the long-hated Jedi and I myself am writing this from inside two separate Bacta tanks.
This DuelBlade is completely unusable and hazardous to the owners health for the following reasons:
Dont get me wrong...I appreciate that your design department put in special lock switches for me but they didnt hold that well. During my last fight, I had it locked down. I had this little dweeb of an apprentice with a really bad ponytail trapped down a well and sure enough, just like I thought, he used the Force to leap out of the pit and slice me in half and when I went to swing, the on-switch lock failed and I was left standing there saberless! Do you realize how dangerous this is? I could have been killed!
As it was, he sliced me in two, but that leads me to the "high learning curve" aspect of this discussion normally a bisectional cut through the abdomen would be fatal, but fortunately Id accidentally sliced myself in half so often trying to use this thing that my lower intestine had been replaced with a rubber tube from a 47 landspeeder and I just glued myself back together. Im more machine than man, now. Darth Sidious has told me that as a result of my failure, hes thinking about replacing me with some young kid a kid wholl be all human, not just a bunch of cybernetic parts. Man, I hope I can make the grade.
(The Ferrett has made a career out of diatribe. He can be counted on for a rant on almost any subject, the Old Faithful of cynicism. You can read his opinion of subjects other than Star Wars if you email him for information about his website and you're over the age of 18 since there's no editor there to tone him down <g>)