Star Wars Super-Dee-Dooper Edition "Sanitized For Your Protection" by Gini Judd Published 02/10/05 George has decided that Darth Vader was not evil, just misunderstood.

[Editor's WARNING: This article contains a spoiler for the main twist in the novel Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. If you have not read this novel ... go do so now. You will NOT be sorry.]

Recently, Echo-Station regular shezan posted an interview with George Lucas. Among the more outrageous things George said was this: In my mind [Greedo] shot first or at the same time. We like to think of [Han Solo] as a murderer because that's hip -- I don't think that's a good thing for people. I mean, I don't see how you could redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood.

Reread the last sentence: I mean, I don't see how you could redeem somebody who kills people in cold blood.

Uh, George? Remember that guy you call "Darth Vader"?

From this remark, I can only conclude one thing. George has decided that Darth Vader was not evil, just misunderstood.

Therefore, after the third movie is released, I predict an even MORE Special Special Edition of the Holy Trilogy. Here are the changes that we will see in the first movie:

STAR SNITS - EPISODE IV: A NEW HUG

1. Opening scene: When Threepio says, "They've shut down the main reactor!" a new scene will be inserted of Darth Ani standing in a corridor with one hand to his mask: "Whoops!"
2. Instead of choking Captain Antilles, Darth Ani will walk down the corridor with his arm around Antilles's shoulder, trying to reason with him about returning something that was stolen, because stealing is wrong. Antilles will trip and fall against the wall, breaking his own neck.
3. After he instructs the subordinate to "Send out a distress signal, then inform the Senate that everyone aboard was killed," he will add, "Then take everyone back to my place and serve them milk and cookies."
4. Instead of saying "I find your lack of faith disturbing" and choking the Imperial officer, he will say, "You appear to be choking. Here, let me apply a Force Heimlich maneuver!"
5. When he enters Princess Leia's cell, he will be followed by a bright green floating sphere that says "Happy Fun Ball." When speaking to Tarkin later, he will sadly tell him that the Princess insisted on taunting Happy Fun Ball.
6. When Alderaan is destroyed, everyone will spin around to look toward the controls and cry out with dismay, "Jar-Jar!" Jar-Jar Binks, at the controls, will shrug his shoulders. "Meesa sorry! Meesa didn't know the big red button made things go boom!"
7. Obi-Wan Kenobi will cut off his own head. Darth Ani, who didn't really want to hurt him, will yell "No!" just as loudly as Luke.
8. While in his TIE fighter, Darth Ani will giggle incessantly and keep remarking about what a great simulator game this is. Just like Ender, he will be shocked and aggrieved to learn he was tricked into actually killing people. The TIE fighter will be equipped with a second seat and Jar-Jar will sit behind Darth Ani, waving his arms and acting terrified in that darling way he does that is always funny.

(Gini Judd moved to Cleveland with her husband, the notorious Ferrett, to continue her career as a paralegal and go to law school. This is why the Echo Station people never see her anymore. We let her stay on the staff bio page because we feel sorry for her -- and because back when Echo was rudderless and in danger of sinking she stepped in and breathed new hope into the emag, inspiring Dave to stay with it and turn it into what it is today. It's a karmic debt that we're happy to pay. Besides, she's also a veteren from the CompuServe Star Wars forum, where Echo Station originated, and knows where the bodies are buried.)

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